Slechtste Nieuw Jaar - 1 maart 2007
Mijn meest verschrikkelijke Oud&Nieuw-ervaring is zonder twijfel die van 2001-2002. Het staat mij nog helder voor de geest. Haar naam..uuh.. hou ik geheim. We hadden de dagen ervoor doorgebracht in een hotelletje aan het strand van Zandvoort. Enkele uren nadat we ingecheckt waren, werd ik ziek. Een spontane aanval van de buikgriep deed mij die dagen rennen tussen bed en WC. De romantiek moest gezocht worden in een waterig glimlachje vanaf het andere bed. We waren de fase van verontschuldigingen al ver voorbij. Op Oudejaarsdag checkten we uit en reden terug naar haar appartement in Amsterdam. Toen werd zij ziek.

Wat mij opviel tijdens haar ziekbed, was haar gebrek aan schroom mij continu bevelen toe te schreeuwen. ‘Dirk Jan haal dit, doe dat en zorg voor zus en regel zo.’ ‘Tuurlijk schatje’ en daar ging ik weer, trapje op trapje af. Zij zat een verdieping hoger en wist mij door het trapgat ‘vocaal te bereiken’. Ik was blij dat ze ’s avonds tussen half acht en kwart voor acht even haar ogen dichtdeed.

Ook vond ik dat ze zich enorm aanstelde. Ik had zelf de dagen ervoor dezelfde ziekte gehad dus ik wist waar we over praatten. Ze schreeuwde, jankte, klaagde, vloekte en tierde als een oud viswijf op de Urker vismarkt. Ze moest overgeven, wat ze deed in een bak naast haar bed die ik mocht legen. Ze was aan de diaree, doch ze was te beroerd om tijdig naar de WC te gaan zodat ik haar bed kon verschonen. Ze veegde haar kotsmond af aan haar mouwen, zodat ik haar mocht verkleden. Ze klaagde dat alles stonk hetgeen ik beaamde.

Oudejaarsavond heb ik op een matrasje voor de TV doorgebracht. Om middennacht heb ik snel wat vrienden geSMSt en mijn familie gebeld. De vriendin lag gelukkig al te slapen, ik had weinig behoefte haar een Gelukkig Nieuwjaar kus te geven op haar mond waar in de mondhoeken nog harde stukken zaten.

De lucht kleurde rood en groen en geel van het vuurwerk. Ik stond in mijn pyjama op een krukje in de keuken vanwaar ik een glimp van de lucht kon opvangen. Dat waren de leukste 5 minuten van Oudejaarsavond.

Omdat niemand nog TV kijkt na middennacht zendden de omroepen feitelijk niets zinnigs meer uit. Zo heb ik tot half twee ’s nachts zitten zappen tussen Het Slagerfestival mmv BZN, Ronnie Töber en Vader Abraham, een praatprogramma over het esthetisch belang van kunstbenen en een film uit mijn geboortejaar waarvan de kleur steeds wegviel.

Af en toe ontving ik een berichtje van mijn vrienden. Vrienden die samen met andere vrienden een borrel dronken en proostten op geluk en liefde. Vrienden die hun vriendinnen verliefd in de ogen keken en elkaar in de armen sloten wanneer de sloeg 12 sloeg. Vrienden die mij hadden uitgenodigd om bij hun Oud en Nieuw te komen vieren. Vrienden die ik had uitgelachen en waartegen ik had gezegd dat ik Echt Feest zou gaan vieren in Amsterdam. Vrienden die ik nu zo erg miste dat ik mij linkerbal zou opgeven om bij hun te kunnen zijn.

Om kwart voor twee deed ik het licht uit en mijn ogen dicht. Om half drie kreeg ik een SMSje van mijn broer die ik uitgebreid terugSMSte. Om half zes sprak een vriend mijn voicemail in. Twee dagen later keerde ik terug naar Zwolle. Drie dagen later beëindigde ik de relatie.



Kasper - 3 januari 2007
Ik hoop dat je dan wel zonder nummerherkenning hebt geSMSt Dirk ;-P


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